Criminal Record!

Written on July 6, 2008:



I want all my fans to know that it is with great humility and embarrassment that I have to inform you that I was arrested tonight.
I hope that my forthrightness and honesty will help to ease some of your hurt. Here are the facts.

After my show in Mansfield, MA, I decided to try my hand at mixing the perfect watermelon margarita. Having served more than two dozen, and sipping from each drink as it was delivered, I became very inebriated. The rest makes me sick to my stomach, but here goes:

I thought in my impaired state that it would be a good idea to play Grand Theft Auto 4: Liberty City. It was not. As I left my cousin Roman's apartment with the afternoon to spare, the alcohol (and the loneliness) got to me. The combination of Patron, Triple Sec, Watermelon Pucker and my cousin Roman's misleading promise of the American Dream brought out the darkest side of me.

I decided to walk into traffic and stop a cab. When the driver came to a halt, I opened his door and ripped him from his seat. This is when I began to pummel him without mercy. When he fell to the ground covered in his own bright red blood, I slid into the driver's seat and drove through a busy park with reckless abandon.

I won't lie to you. I hit many, many people. While I can't say how many it was exactly, I garnered 4 white stars and a large police search canvas area. I know I should have surrendered, but I just don't know what got into me. While listening to my favorite hip-hop station, I led police on a three-mile chase through areas dense with innocent people. I was eventually shot, leading my vision to become monochromatic.

I want all my fans to know that I will do my best to redeem myself in your eyes. Though I came-to outside of the Liberty City Police Station two hours later after my arrest, I know that the damage has been done. I have decided from this point on to obey the plot's directive; to figure out just what the hell I'm supposed to do in this game while hitting fewer people and lampposts.

I hope those who hold tickets for the upcoming dates on my tour will still come to enjoy the shows to come.


Regretfully,

John,
proprietor,
Niko Bellic

*****

John, I'm shocked. Don't you know that violence solves nothing? What right did you have to hit innocent and defenseless people? Can't you find anything better to do with your time than to get arrested by computer cops and rack up a computer criminal record?

But now that you mention it, try playing The Godfather game. You can choke people, shoot them, and also lead the police on wild goose chases throughout the city of New York. Think of it as Grand Theft Auto, but based on a classic movie.

And that makes it even better.

Brandy